Wow, my dad booked my ticket today. I'm leaving on the 21st, which means I won't get to see Sweeney Todd before I leave Ali... :( For the first time today though, I realised that I'm leaving in 16 days. I didn't cry or get hysterical, but I felt my heart jump. Kind of like I'd just got a fright. It's so bizarre when something actually happens that you've been waiting so long for...

The only thing I can compare it to is being on stage. When you're going to perform, there's this rush of panic that happens just before you're going to go on. You know there's nothing you can do about it and that the moment is coming closer and closer. Much like a train when you're tied to the tracks. Only less deadly. I'm very excited now though, I know that this is right for me for the moment. The only trouble is that it's going to be like ripping out my soul to part from friends and the family that's come to mean so much to me.

Then there's Etienne. I'm so confused right now, I have NO IDEA how I feel anymore and I think it's important that I let him know about my confusion. We're sitting down to lunch tomorrow, so maybe then will be a good time to share my honest feelings. It's going to be so hard... Arg! I have no idea.

It's quite eerie actually, almost like leaving school was. Knowing that you won't be back in the next couple of months. Knowing that life will continue without you and that people will keep moving on. It's crazy really. It's also hugely exciting, knowing that I have a fresh start. Also it's an excellent opportuniy to get to know my family. People I've loved but haven't known my whole life. New friends, new church, new family. It seems so removed from a real timeline. Of course I'll always have my family and LJ, not to mention Facebook and my good old e-mail account... Hey, you should all leave e-mail addresses... that way I can contact all of you. :)

On a completely shallow and random note, new X-Files pictures from the set! Finally, a glimpse of Dana Scully... Oh how I have missed her and her snide humour. The script remains under wraps, but something about a werewolf was discovered by a set-snooper, so that seems to be the running rumour at the moment. Weird. Well, as long as we avoid aliens and government conspiracies, I'm sure this film will be better than the first. :) Oh, apparently, my photobucket account is under maintenance... Hmm, I'll post them at another time then.

Anyway, I'm now reading Notes on a Scandal. O_o is all I can say. Brilliant. Scary, but brilliant. Strangely, it gives me a desire to read Virginia Woolf again. I'm craving 'To the Lighthouse' right now... I'll read it when I'm done with the mountain of books that I'm suddenly reading. I also want to read 'Atonement' before I see the film. So, I may as well get reading...

Well, I thought it was about time I actually posted something worth posting. I'm sure you're all bored to death of icons. :P

Anyway, I'm reading 'The Constant Gardener' by John le Carre again and loving it... It's one of those books that really challenges your complacency and it searches me every time. For someone who wants to go into diplomacy, it's really amazing to be reminded that the world of politics, for all it's talk of peace and human rights, is dulled and desensitized. It's a beautiful and tragic story, esquisitely crafted with perhaps a little too much detail. (Hey, everything has faults.)

A line that really struck me was this: "Tessa was that rarest of things: a lawyer who believes in justice." It hit me right in the heart and I thought, yes. That's what I want to be. People keep telling me that I'm naive, but what good is it leaving the politics to all the 'wisened' cynics who will do nothing because they no longer care?

It just made me think. When did law and human rights stop being about people and start being about money and control? Or has it just always been that way? Yes, another idealist leaping into the jagged jaws of reality. Lovely.

The Constant Gardener's all about someone who fought though, that's what I like about it. Tessa's no fool and yet she stands for what's right. Even until it gets her killed. I want to be like that. What a fantastic thing to die for.

Anyway, aspirations aside, I'm getting crazily busy at the moment. So much to do! I don't even know what emotional state I'm in, hence the Disney escapism, and something in me wishes I could just go and be done with it!

Then I remember that that means I have to leave everyone behind and I'm confused again. Sigh. I hope this gets easier. I know it doesn't.