Ok, so I'm horrible at keeping a journal. It's official. Although I think you all knew that anyway... Also, this laptop has a funky 'l' key, so if I miss in l's along the way, know why! (Like "On the pus side!") Ew.

So, I'm back in South Africa and loving it! I've got to see almost everyone I wanted to or will be seeing them in the new year. Can't wait to hang out with some of my nerds again! There has been a void deep in my soul where 30 Seconds used to be...

Seeing Et again wasn't as awkward as I thought it'd be. He was very calm and cool about it... Also I look a little different than when I left and I'm 99.9% sure he's still in love with me, which is both hard to manage and fantastic for my self-esteem. (As Liz would say, "Eat it up Cleveland...") I really don't want to hurt him anymore though... so, we'll have to see how my being here progresses. Also, he tried to kiss me when he left. Out of sheer habit I'm sure... Ok, so maybe a little awkward. *headdesk*

I am also missing home terribly. Who knew? It seems somewhat bizarre! Luckily seperation from Crush Guy has resulted in my feeling more at ease about the situation there. I can finally relax and just build a friendship with him. Hooray! No more feeing like a 14 year old with hormonal issues and smiling "Back off!" at people. I hate hormones...

Well, tomorrow I'm off to Sun City, which should be fun. (I've actually got a tan from being in Ballito which is strange for me.) Anyway, Happy New Year everyone! Hope the holidays are good to you all. Can't wait to see some of you... :)

The Uni Holiday is finally upon me and I need the rest. It's been a challenging and eventful term and I really need to allow my poor brain to breathe for a second. I still have a politics assignment to do, due in the middle of the break, go figure... Still, it should be fine. I'll get it done a.s.a.p. and get to relaxing.

Went to a church service last night that was dedicated to two and a half hours of just worshipping. God's been doing amazing things in my life and last night I felt a breakthrough in so much that's been impacting me for years. The presence of God was fully on us and sometimes I felt like I could barely breathe. It was amazing. Awesome really, in the true sense of the word. I heard unbelievable testimonies last night too. There is a church in Sydney that had manna falling during their meeting. I'm talking actual bread falling from the ceiling and in another church there, the hall was covered in gold dust after worship. I didn't even know what to say, what an amazing God.

On another note, Et called me yesterday. He thought he was making a mistake and, much to my own surprise, I ended it myself. I just felt that it was the right thing to do and God gave me such peace about it. So yeah, we're still great friends, but it's actually over. It's in God's hands and, if it is meant to happen. It will.

Et just broke up with me. I completely understand why, but the pain is profound. All my insecurities just came crashing back and I find myself in a place that I never thought I'd see again. Maybe this time I'll put my hope in God... Seems like that's what I should have done in the first place.

I want to be angry and hurt, but I can't. I did this and I have to live with the repercussions of my move. What am I chasing? Is my career so important? Yes, I know it is... but I feel like I've sacrificed something with true significance. I don't understand why both decisions felt right. I loved him so much and I knew that God wanted me in Australia, so why this?

I guess I'll know one day. I'll leave it in God's hands, he knows what he's doing... do I?

I'm blabbering now I guess... I'm so confused and sad. All the doubts I had are no comfort at all... The reality is far more crushing than the possibility of something else. I feel sick, I need to lie down.